Why Do Some Seniors Resist Help?

If you have cared for a senior parent, spouse, or friend, then you have probably discovered that some seniors are resistant to change and help.   I was recently told about a neighbor of mine, living alone, on a walker, very private and in need of help, but she won't accept it.  She has not been out of her house in years, except to go to medical appointments.  How do you get help to these seniors that refuse?

First a quick list of the reasons they may not want to accept help.  

1.  Fear of independence.  This is at the top of the list because in several studies it was found that seniors fear losing independence more than they fear death!

2.  Pride and self-esteem.  Most of these seniors are part of the Silent Generation.  They lived through the great depression, and want to continue to be self sufficient.  Asking for help is not part of their vocabulary.

Other reasons for not accepting help include privacy concerns, financial worries, not becoming a burden, mistrust of caregivers, fear of institutionalization. 

In order to avoid the senior from feeling like you are taking away their independence and having them feel they are being told what to do, you must shift the conversation.  Instead of saying "You Need help," reframe the statement to make it sound like it's a collaborative effort to make everyone's life easier.  "You need help keeping the house clean," can easily be changed to "Let's hire someone to do the vacuuming so that you have more energy to enjoy your hobbies."

Asking questions and listening are key to identifying why the senior resists help.  Ask open ended questions like "What worries you most about having someone in the house?"  Finally, start with small changes, like having a care worker twice a week and see how it goes.  My experience is that seniors enjoy having the help once they experience it.

Caring for a senior is a daunting task.  Seeing neighbors in need of help that won't ask or accept help is equally difficult.  We are community, and that means helping those that can't help themselves, whatever it takes.